As a caregiver for a dying loved one, you’re becoming part of a treasured tradition. There have been many who have done the same for their loved ones before you. While this journey may be stressful both emotionally and physically, it also has the power to transform your relationship with your loved one, with yourself, and with life itself.
Like birth, death is a natural human process that our bodies are innately capable of doing. No two birth experiences are exactly the same – and no two deaths are either – but at the same time, there’s a lot of common ground. We tend to follow a predictable pattern that varies a bit from one person to the next.
That said, there are things we can do to support the process – especially when we know what to expect.
Our bodies know how to die – humans have been doing it forever. One natural part of the dying process is the gradual reduction of thirst and appetite.
This gradual appetite loss is not a flaw in the system. A dying body rejects food when it can no longer process it. Many hospice doctors and nurses believe that when we force a body to deal with food it can no longer handle – whether by pumping it in through tubes or coercing it through guilt – we can cause discomfort or complications like stomachaches, indigestion, nausea, choking, or pneumonia.
Death has been medicalized in our culture over the last century or so, but collectively we’re starting to remember that death isn’t a failure. It’s part of the plan, and is the only thing we’re guaranteed from the moment we were born.
It can be painful to watch someone stop eating, especially when they are close to death. However, it is common enough that there are some expected stages that a loved one may experience.
Typical stages of appetite loss:
Still, it’s so hard to watch a dying loved one stop eating. Food equals life, and for most of us, food equals love. How are we supposed to handle watching them slip away? As painful as it may be to lose someone we love, we can best support them – best show them our love – by recognizing what they need and being there for them.
Watching a loved one die can provoke feelings of utter powerlessness, but there are things you can do to support them. Even if their appetites start to decrease over time, it doesn’t mean that their ability to choose has waned. Try to keep some normalcy during this time by providing things like favorite drinks and foods, and being attentive to how much they wish to eat or drink.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
Activities of daily living such as eating and drinking also keep people hydrated. When someone is in the process of dying, they may not only have appetite loss but also show visible signs of hydration issues. They may suffer from dry mouth, have issues salivating, or can have dry lips. Some things you can do to keep their mouth moistened are the following:
If you are an active caregiver helping your loved one transition from life to death, their changes can be quite stark to experience. Though dying is common, watching a loved one go through the process is not easy, especially when you have provided care for them in the past.
You may want to ask yourself some questions to stay in tune with your emotions, as it is important to check in with oneself during big moments.
For example, you may want to ask yourself: what are your unconscious beliefs regarding eating? Are you afraid that their appetite loss is hastening their death? Are you struggling to know how to express your love if you can’t feed them?
As a caregiver and a loved one, you may have some complicated feelings about their appetite loss. A lot of cultures show family affection through food, and not knowing other ways can leave you feeling like you are not doing your best. However, by asking yourself these questions, you can start processing your feelings and also figure out other ways to help your loved one.
Talking with the hospice team can also be a boon, and give you some tips on how to handle grief. They can:
As the body progresses through the process of dying, the appetite wanes as it begins to need – and can handle – increasing less food and fluid. Food becomes less about sustenance and more about comfort.
As your loved one goes through this transition, it’s hard but vital to realize that your loved one isn’t dying because they aren’t eating. They’re not eating because they’re dying.
You can support them best when you can meet them where they are in the process and respect their body’s infinite wisdom. However, it’s easier said than done. To do so, you’ll need to take measures to support yourself as you start grieving your loss even before your loved one is gone, in many cases.
As our bodies grow weaker, we’re more likely to fall. Aging adults may not recognize the changes their bodies undergo, making it a bit difficult to access that top shelf in a kitchen cabinet. It’s frustrating to admit that your body no longer works the way it used to, but staying safe can make all the difference. And for all caregivers, safety is a top concern.
Caregivers can take stock of any obvious safety concerns, and also take on a home safety evaluation to address any other lingering issues. By reviewing the home–in particular the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen–you can prolong your loved one’s life and ability to live comfortably at home as they age.
Simple changes to the room can reduce your loved one’s risk of falling. You may want to install supportive equipment throughout the bedroom and bathroom. Specific kinds of equipment can include items transfer poles, bed rails, or toilet safety frames. You can also do things like rearrange furniture for easier passage or shorter trips to the restroom. Talk to your loved one’s hospice team or healthcare provider about which supports would be appropriate and helpful for your loved one.
Before adding new things to a house or a room, you may want to assess the current status of your home. You may want to watch out for specific items to remove, as they can cause tripping and slipping hazards on the floor. Some items include the following:
In addition to temporary supports such as transfer poles, toilet safety frames, or bed rails, there are many other types of equipment that can help keep your loved one safe. These upgrades can decrease safety concerns while providing valuable comfort.
When searching online or speaking with a healthcare professional about new equipment, make sure to take note of any learning curves you may encounter. A blueprint of the house with measurements of each room makes the process of adding medical equipment easier as well.
Some useful medical equipment includes:
It’s very easy to hurt yourself or your loved one when assisting with transfers and mobility, especially if their abilities are inconsistent, or if they aren’t cooperating due to confusion. Encourage patience when assisting a loved one with any mobility issues, as both you and your loved one may be struggling to get used to this new normal.
Before starting, you may want to speak with a hospice team member about any essential tips, as doing a transfer from a bed to a bathroom can go awry quite quickly. If you have the time and space, consider practicing with other loved ones before engaging officially.
Transfer Safety Basics
It’s hard enough to support a loved one through the process of dying without adding additional complications, trauma, or challenges from falls or injuries. Take the time to put precautions into place to ensure a safer, smoother experience for both you and your loved one.
As death approaches and our bodies grow weaker, getting to the bathroom becomes harder, and the chance of having an accident increases.
There are many reasons why your loved one may have incontinence issues or accidents at the end of life. Medications or medical conditions can create urgency. For some aging adults, it may take longer to physically get up and move. Similarly, it can take more strength or energy than they have available. And when people are tired or have less energy, they can be sleepier or more prone to ignoring any urgent body signals.
If this is your first time helping a loved one with toileting and incontinence, plan ahead. You may want to speak with a member of your loved one’s care team for proper procedures and recommended supplies. Doing some research can simplify the task for both you and your loved one.
When possible, minimize incontinence accidents by anticipating the need to use the toilet or making it easier to get there.
You can set up a personalized toileting schedule – assist your loved one to the bathroom routinely based on the times they usually have accidents or need to go. If they are still able to eat meals, you may want to check in with them about an hour after eating.
Consider a bedside commode, bedpan, or urinal if getting to the toilet is too tiring or difficult. Having a commode or bedpan nearby can also be useful if your loved one is suffering from incontinence side effects due to medications.
At the end of life your loved one’s energy is finite and precious – and so is yours. It’s obvious why you should do what you can to conserve it, but it may not be as clear how to do so.
Reduce the possibility of accidents or anxiety about getting to the toilet in time with some additional supplies like disposable underpants.
For example, pull-up style disposable underpants may be easier for your loved one to manage if they’re still getting up to the toilet. Diaper-style wraparound briefs can be easier for a caregiver to change in bed. Reusable absorbent underpants or disposable adhesive pads can help with occasional leaks. However, you will need to make sure to immediately clean up any feces. Use wet wipes and cleansing lotion, foam, or another product designed for peri-care (cleaning the privates) to clean up sticky feces more easily.
You can look for “night briefs” or other incontinence products designed for extended use. Some of these specially-designed products wick urine away from the skin to keep it dry overnight, preserving sleep and reducing discomfort and disruption.
Though it may sound tiring, you may want to continue repositioning them every two hours (or as directed by your hospice team or healthcare provider). It’s quicker, easier, and less disruptive than a full brief change.
Reduce your loved one’s risk for skin issues like breakdown or rashes, as well as urinary tract infections by helping them stay clean and dry. With products designed to minimize the physical act of getting up to use the toilet, you may need to stay on alert for other related tasks. Some include the following:
Assisting your loved one with toileting can also include hygiene and repeated cleansing. Following these steps and making sure to clean after every incident can help avoid any infections or potential rashes.
(If uncircumcised): If possible, ask him to pull back the foreskin. If he can’t, gently do it for him. Use a warm cloth to cleanse the area, then pull the foreskin back to its natural position.
Use a warm cloth or wipe and clean in this order:
Use a fresh warm cloth or wipe for each step, or each time the wipe comes back soiled.
Wash in this order:
When signing on to be a caregiver for a loved one, there can be quite a few thankless tasks to manage. Toileting and incontinence is one of those tasks that can cause some frustration for both the caregiver and patient.
However, you can minimize stress for both of you by implementing some valuable changes to the daily task. Getting some additional supplies and supporting equipment can give your loved one some more agency and help you come up with a game plan.
When nearing death, our bodies’ protective functions either slow down or stop working. That includes cell regeneration for our largest organ, our skin. As we near death our skin becomes very fragile and prone to breakdown and injury. Protecting your loved one’s skin becomes a priority, often requiring a great deal of attention and care to prevent painful problems.
In general, with your loved one’s skin health deteriorating, you will want to handle it very carefully. It doesn’t take much to tear or bruise fragile skin. Skin protection also includes moisturizing with gentle lotion.
Watch for redness, rashes, bruises, or skin tears, and report them to your hospice team or healthcare provider for directions. This also includes keeping their skin clean and dry, especially after episodes of incontinence.
Learn about the basics of pressure injuries and take measures to minimize them. Pressure injuries (sometimes called bedsores, pressure sores, or pressure ulcers) can be very painful and distressing, so it’s important to do your best to prevent or minimize them to whatever extent possible.
Skin can break down incredibly quickly – the process starts in just two hours. So you will want to help your loved one adjust their position every two hours (if they can’t do it themselves), unless advised otherwise by your hospice team or healthcare provider.
You may not be sure what to look for when someone’s skin starts to break down at the end of life. Here are some of the stages that your loved one can go through and what you can do to help alleviate any pain or discomfort.
Malnutrition is a big contributor to skin breakdown. Typically at the end of life, people may also suffer from loss of appetite. Appetite loss is a difficult symptom to manage, as this is also a natural part of the dying process. That said, there are other things you can do to minimize any additional risks when providing care for your loved one.
Wetness and incontinence
Keep your loved one clean and dry as best as you can, as incontinence is especially hard on the skin. Helping a loved one with any incontinence and toileting is also a valuable part of skincare. Consider using a barrier ointment to protect skin from incontinence.
Friction and shear
If you elevate the head of the bed, you will also want to elevate the feet to prevent sliding downward. The slide creates a force called shear, which can be damaging to the skin.
Immobility and pressure
Assist your loved one to reposition frequently (at least every two hours) so parts of their body aren’t subject to extended contact with chairs, armrests, beds, or other surfaces. Even a small adjustment can make all the difference, as long as the pressure is relieved. You may also want to order wheelchair cushions or bed mattress overlays specifically designed to reduce pressure.
Keep a close eye on bony areas of the body, especially those that come in contact with the bed, chair, or other surfaces for prolonged periods.
Common areas for skin breakdown include:
There is a lot you can and should do to minimize pressure injuries for your loved one – do your best to do so. But don’t beat yourself up if your loved one ends up with one despite your best efforts.
Pressure injuries can sometimes be a sign someone is receiving poor care, but that’s not always the case, especially in end-of-life care. Pressure injuries occur frequently in hospice patients and are often considered unavoidable.
Our bodies are like machines–they need maintenance and sometimes they will just wear down over time. They can make sudden changes that leave us in confusion, and without recourse to change back. Especially as we prepare to die, our bodies may lose access to daily functions like temperature regulation, appetite loss, ease of breathing, among others.
If this is your first time as a caregiver, your loved one’s body might be changing at a rapid rate that leaves your head spinning. It can help to expect these changes, and while you may not be able to prevent them, you can respond in ways that reduce their intensity.
As our bodies go through the dying process, we lose our ability to regulate body temperature. As you care for your loved one you may notice that sometimes they feel very cold, while other times they’re feverish and sweaty.
These changes can be hard to anticipate, so you will want to keep an eye on any unusual behavior. Look for signs that they may be uncomfortable if they can’t tell you.
When dealing with chills, try to keep a number of articles of clothing and blankets at the ready. Additionally, you may want to do the following:
Should your loved one develop a fever, you may need to be at the ready to keep them comfortable. No matter how old you are, fevers are just plain uncomfortable.
You may notice your loved one’s lips, nose, fingers, or toes feel cold and look gray or blue in color. This is a normal part of the dying process. As their circulatory system slows down, blood will not be able to reach their extremities. Cold skin blue in color can also creep up as death draws nearer, with cold blotchy discoloration rising up from the toes into the legs and feet. Though it may look unsettling, remember that there’s nothing you need to do about it.
As we die, frequent changes in breathing can be expected. It becomes harder for one’s body to keep every system running, so your loved one could be breathing in any number of ways. These can all vary depending on the time, and how close they may be to death.
With all these types of breathing patterns at play, you might be unsure how to help. If you sense that your loved one is in distress, reach out to the hospice team or a healthcare provider to let them know. They may suggest medications or other interventions specific to your loved one’s needs. After speaking with them, you may choose to make other adjustments as well. Consider some of the following:
Dying can be more painful for some than others. Your loved one may have painful health conditions, or just be achy and sore from lying in bed all day. (Try lying completely still for just an hour or two to experience a taste of this discomfort.)
Pain can cause anxiety, increase shortness of breath, affect concentration, and worsen one’s mood. It can get in the way of connecting with those who are important to us at a time when we really need to do so.
Discuss any observations with your hospice team or healthcare provider, and address any new type of pain or discomfort. Your loved one may be unable to speak up, so try to ask for guidance on when medication should be given to control pain. Additionally, there may be some suggestions for non-drug ways to mitigate their pain.
As your loved one approaches death – or if they experience communication or cognitive challenges – they may not be able to communicate their pain to you verbally.
Stay alert for any of these non-verbal signs of pain:
If giving them pain medication is out of the question, try some other options.
Many of us become very restless as we die. It can be quite severe in some cases, and often there’s no clear cause. Sometimes physical discomfort can cause agitation and restlessness. Think of any of the following times you have experienced the following, and you may understand your loved one:
Talk with your hospice team about ways to handle your loved one’s restlessness if they're distressed or unsafe. Before speaking with them, take note of the frequency of bowel movements and urination. Not only does it help you stay aware if they haven’t gone in a while, any changes to their schedule may be serious enough to warrant intervention from a healthcare provider. As mentioned earlier, keep an eye out for non-verbal signs of pain, such as grimacing, a furrowed brow, or stiff muscles.
Though all of these physical symptoms can and do cause restlessness, there is no doubt that going through the end-of-life process is mentally challenging. Psychological, emotional, and spiritual factors can also cause restlessness. They may be experiencing any of the following issues:
Additionally, they can be concerned over what will happen after death, either to them or to those they’re leaving behind. Death causes other emotions to surface, including any unresolved emotional wounds or trauma from the past. Talking with your loved one can help. If you are in a position to do so, tell them you forgive them. Reassure them that the people, pets or things they’re worried about will be cared for. Give them your blessing to go when they’re ready.
You can also enlist the help of the hospice chaplain or grief counselor to give your loved one some valuable methods of handling this stress.
If they are not up to talking, try some or all of these things and take note of which seem to be helpful.
Nurturing your loved one as they transition from life to death can be a gift for both you and them. You are able to spend time with them, and share the love you have for them while being at their side. Though this time is valuable, it is impossible to ignore the pain that they may experience as their body prepares for death.
By keeping an eye out on them and their comfort, you can make these last few moments all the richer for them. Alleviating their pain can give them the space to enjoy the things they love most.